EDITOR’S ELEVEN: Unpacking the Horror of Gameweek 5

In what was arguably one of the darkest game weeks of FPL history, we watched in horror as the template collapsed in on itself like a dying star, taking our best laid plans with it.

Ironically, there were goals. 24, in fact – there just weren’t any for our players. In fact, the top-ten most owned midfielders posted an average haul of just 3.1 points, and almost HALF of this week’s 23 goal-scorers had less than 2% ownership. The differentials were hungry…

Even the hotly-contested captaincy debate ended anti-climactically for most, with Salah outscoring Haaland who outscored Son who outscored Maddison. Those faithful to the Norwegian, watched in dismay as chance after chance went unanswered (ending in a single consolation return). It was even worse for Spurs punters, who collected on Maddison’s and Son’s respective 1 and 2-pointers. Only Salah captainers had something to be grateful for, and even then, theirs was more a sigh of relief than lusty cheer, as the real result was how many points the big Norwegian DIDN’T get, not how many points the little Egyptian DID. Effective Ownership really changes the complexion of these things, sometimes.

The schedule concluded on a staggeringly low global average score of 40, with tons of us coming in far below that. It was the type of game week that finds battle-weary FPL veterans with their fingers hovering over the delete app button; the type of game week that sends newbies running for their wildcards. But don’t do either! There’s a silver lining, and I assure you, I feel no schadenfreude in stating it:

Anyone on a green arrow after this game week is arguably the owner of a pretty dubious squad.

Conversely, my team looked incredible on paper, just nowhere else – which didn't dull the pain of being butchered by a bunch of budget differentials. Let’s talk it out, Fam. Here’s how the GW5 nightmare unfolded for me…

I wasn’t short on high hopes going into the weekend – something validated by my 95% team rating and an expected return of 65.1 points: an objective my powerhouse 3-5-2 was more than capable of achieving.

I even felt good about my captain pick, keeping the armband on Haaland (despite bringing in Son for Rashford). My bench was pretty tactical, too - Colwill in first spot because I wasn’t convinced Chelsea would keep a clean sheet, Pedro in second because Brighton had far better options than the young Brazilian (even with Ferguson doubtful) and Baldock and his calf injury bringing up the rear. Granted, my starting eleven was still fairly template but this week, my priority was protecting rank, not chasing it – and I was relatively confident that with even the smallest amount of luck, I would be walking away with a modest green arrow.

I was wrong.

Chelsea kept their clean sheet after all, but Chilwell’s value-less cameo blocked Colwill’s 6 points from the bench, who blocked Pedro and his 7-pointer, who was now as moot a point as the injured Baldock.

DEFENCE:

My back 3 were an absolute bloodbath, with Rúben blanking (thanks to a rare open-play goal from Jame Ward-Prowse) and Chilwell clocking up ten minutes and a yellow card. My only defensive return was Saliba and his clean sheet, who at one point, had 9 points until losing all the bonus points for an eventual return of just 6.

MIDFIELD:

The bodies were piling up in the middle of the pitch, with Son, Saka, Maddison, Foden and Mbeumo collectively producing an unlucky total of 13 points – a midfield that the algorithm had justifiably predicted would net somewhere in the neighbourhood of 30 points – the biggest collective disparity I’ve seen between predicted and actual points, in a very long time.

FORWARDS:

In the greatest irony of my game week, the forward line ended up having a Pedro-shaped hole in it, which cost me his 7 points and about half a million places in overall rank. Meanwhile, Nico Jackson gave us another convincing impression of Timo Werner, which is doubly-frustrating, as I’m still convinced he’s about to haul – just now, I’ve come to accept that it’s probably going to happen after I’ve moved him on.

And of course, Haaland had his underwhelming 6 points from a single goal, which most of us turned into an almost as underwhelming 12 points with the armband – but at this point, the robot’s so heavily-owned, he affects our ranks about as much as the colour-scheme on the FPL website.

GOAL: He was my last hope but Turner couldn’t turn my game week around – making it back, fresh from the maternity ward from welcoming his baby daughter into the world – but not fresh enough to keep a clean sheet – a fitting end to a weekend best forgotten, where I netted a total of 36 points and dropped 500K spots to a new overall rank of 902K.

Suffice it to say, Gameweek 6 cannot come fast enough, but don’t lose your cool! If you were already going to Wildcard, stick to your plan but if you weren’t, this absolute massacre of a game week isn’t a good enough reason to pull the trigger.

In the immortal words of Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting: “It’s not your fault… it’s not your fault… it’s…” and in the no less immortal words of Mel Gibson in Braveheart: “HOLD!”

Keep your chins up, Still 33 weeks to go.

~DP